The Babysitter
by The Shiny Pearl
Summary: COMPLETE! Do you remember the night Harrys parents were murdered? Here's my take on that night, but why is Voldemort babysitting Harry? I'm not good at summaries! Please R n R!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any other characters. Could I try? Yes, Would I succeed? Probably not.

Chapter 1 – Voldie for Minister? 

You remember the night Harry Potter's parents were murdered? Here's my take on that:

Voldemort was sitting in his office, working on his speech to help him become the new Minster of Magic. He couldn't understand why his last one didn't get the response he wanted. He sat back and looked at his work, smiled to himself, then read out:

"If you, the public would vote for me, I would make sure that every single one of you will die a less painful death than the idiots who don't vote for me. I can't exactly promise that you won't suffer, but I can promise that if you join my group (The Death Eaters) you will have a slightly better life. Those who don't vote for me, well you will have me to answer for personally when I knock on your door with my friends, who will then torture you mercilessly. But please, don't think that I hate you, I may despise some of you, but I could never hate you. Vote for me, and your life will be Hell, peace!"

Voldemort sighed 'Even I felt like crying, if this doesn't make them vote for me nothing will.' He put his speech in a drawer and decided to take a walk to clear his head.

Meanwhile:

James and Lily Potter were getting ready to go out. It was the first time since Harry was born, and they needed some time alone. They had read about Voldemort running for Minister in the papers and he seemed to be a nice enough guy, just a little misunderstood. They supported him and even had badges with a picture of him with a huge grin, giving a thumbs up, saying; Vote for Voldemort - or else.

James shouted upstairs to Lily, "Are you ready yet? I want to eat sometime this year."

"I'm coming now, I'm just changing Harry."

"Who?"

"Harry, our son."

"We have a son?" James was confused, since when did he have a kid?

"Of course we do, you idiot, don't you remember me giving birth to him?"

"Not really, I mean I did smoke a lot of weed that night."

"Oh yeah, well did you hire a babysitter?"

"What part of 'I didn't even know we had a son' don't you get?"

"Well, we have to get someone to mind him or we can't go out."

James looked annoyed, "Can't you just leave him on his own? I mean he's not gonna need anything is he?"

"Of course he will, he's a baby, he can't look after himself."

"OK! I'll go find someone then!" James went out into the street and looked around. He was about to give up, when a shadowy figure strode into the street. James smiled, relieved that he had found someone to look after Harry. He called out to the mysterious figure.

"Oi, mate!" The figure stopped and looked around, startled.

Well what do you think? Loved it? Hated it? PLEASE review, but don't flame it, it's my first attempt, so any reviews on how to improve it is very welcome :)


	2. COME ON, THINK!

Disclaimer - I don't own Harry Potter, or any other character. I did try, and I am now in hiding in the basement of a small chicken farm down south.

Chapter 2 – Come on, think!

As Voldemort walked down the empty streets, he became lost in his thoughts. Mainly about what he could do when he becomes the new Minister. He would do much better than that idiot, Fudge, who couldn't tell his arse from his elbow. 'What else should I do to win the hearts of all the idiots who call themselves people? I could visit the local hospitals and read to the deaf, and draw pictures for the blind, or I could sit with all the elderly – NO! They'd probably bore me to death with all their annoying war stories. God, it seems like every old person is a war hero!'

Suddenly he was brought out of his thoughts at the sound of someone shouting him.

"Oi, mate!"

'Damn! What the hell have I done now?' He turned around slowly.

"Yes, you! I was wondering if you could do me a favour?" James shouted.

'Oh great! All I wanted to do was go for a walk, but nooo, I get roped into helping someone else. Think of some way to get out of it then!' Voldemort thought for a moment before answering:

"Er, sorry, I don't speak English!" 'Oh, yeh, that's gonna work!'

James looked disappointed, but replied, "Ok, sorry to bother you."

Voldemort just looked back at him ' Great! Another idiot, now just smile, and walk away.' Voldemort smiled at James, put the thumbs up, then turned to walk away.

"WAIT!" James had realised something.

'DAMN!' Voldemort turned back round, and James did something unexpected. He ran up to Voldemort and hugged him. Voldemort was mortified!

"EWWW, get off me you nonce! What do you think you're doing?" James let go of him and stepped away with a stupid grin on his face.

"I'm sorry, but I know who you are an-"

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I LIVE!"

"No, no I don't, but I'm your biggest fan! Me and my wife are really hoping you become our new Minister!" James said excitedly.

"Really?" Voldemort was shocked, 'Hey! Now's your chance to get a few more votes!' "Hmm, you said you needed a favour, what kind of favour?"

"Well the wife and I need a babysitter so we can go out, could you, by any chance baby-sit for us?"

Voldemort wasn't expecting this, he couldn't do this, no matter how desperate he was, and he hated kids!

"Um, sorry, I can't help you."

"Why not?"

"Because, because 'COME ON THINK, YOU CAN DO IT!' because I eat kids!" 'That's it, I'm outta here!'

"You what?"

"Er, I, er, I'm not good with kids, you wouldn't want someone as inexperienced as me looking after your child!"

"Oh come on, he'll be asleep all night, you won't even know he's there!"

"NO!"

"Come on, if you do this, I'll put in a good word for you, so my friends vote for you, and I'll make up stories about how Fudge used to be a girl, and he now has a very small di.."

"You finish that sentence, and I will hurt you!"

"But I have photographic evidence!"

"Ok, I don't even want to know"

"Oh please, I'll give you my private stash of weed"

"DEAL!"

"Oh, thank you! I promise, you won't have any trouble from him! Follow me!"

Voldemort followed James, cursing himself for being so bloody weak. He sighed, how was it that he always got himself into these things? Oh well, it couldn't be that bad, could it?

Well there's chapter 2 done. Any one who reviews, gets a Harry Potter tee-shirt, and a cookie! Thanks to everyone who reviewed my last chapter - and thanks for the poem, Katie!


	3. Adventures in Babysitting, Part 1

Disclaimer – I don't own Harry Potter, or any other characters, like I said – I tried, but didn't succeed, and now in hiding. I am currently waiting for that damn old woman with my plane tickets for Dubai, where I will re-invent my life under the name of Doris Bloomingdale.

Once again, thanks for the reviews, I love you guys! And here's the Harry Potter tee shirt, and cookie I owe you. Throws tee shirt and cookies to reviewers

Reviewers: YAY!

On with the story:

Chapter 3 – Adventures in Babysitting, Part 1

James practically ran to his house to tell Lily the good news. He burst into the hall, leaving an awkward Voldemort standing at the doorway.

"LILY, I'VE FOUND SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF THE KID!"

"Keep your voice down, I've only just got Harry to sleep!"

"Who?" Who the bloody hell was Harry?

Lily groaned, "Your son, you idiot, Harry is your son!"

"Oh, you should have said."

"Well, who is minding him?"

"Oh, yeah," James pulled Voldemort into the hall, "Lily, look who it is, Voldemort!"

"Oh my god! Voldemort, in my house? Iknow you probably get this everyday, butI'm a huge fan of yours, I really hope you become the Minister!"

'Well, what do you know? ANOTHER idiot! Becoming Minister will be too easy! Now, laugh maniacally!' "MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!" 'In your head stupid!' Damn! Voldemort looked up to see both James and Lily looking at him strangely.

"Er, are you ok?" Lily asked.

"Me? I'm fine, just thinking of a joke someone told me earlier."

"Oh, will you tell us, it must have been good if it made you laugh like that."

"Er, well I shouldn't, I mean, won't you be late? I mean it is 9 o clock."

"How'd you know that? There aren't any clocks in here."

'God, I hate these people already!' "Er I have an invisible watch."

"Really, oh cool! I want one! Where'd you get it?"

"The invisible watch shop?"

"Never heard of it, I'll have to keep an eye out for it."

"Well, we really should go, I've left a list of things that Harry might need, there's milk in the fridge, and all his toys are in his room. He shouldn't be a problem though, he's fast asleep at the moment, bye!" Lily said all this without taking a breath, as James dragged her out the door.

Now that Voldemort was alone he had some time to think. 'God they are so suffocating! Well, what now?' He went to the fridge, and saw it was filled with Bud and a couple of bottles of milk for Harry. He grabbed a Bud and went into the living room. He sat in a chair and turned the T.V on. 'Ooh, great the games on.' He sat there watching an intense game of hide and seek, with Stevie Wonder as the guest speaker. They were about to go into extra time, when the phone rang. Voldemort, annoyed at the disturbance, picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey master, wazzup?" He knew that voice, it was his servant, Pettigrew.

"How the hell did you get this number?"

"Er, I AM their friend, so what's up wit you?"

"Nothin, havin a Bud watchin the game."

"Ok, I was just letting you know that at the moment, you're losing to Fudge - 58 - 42"

"What? How could this happen, I thought you were supposed to help get some votes for me!"

"I tried, but I got distracted by this really cool lava lamp!"

"Damn you! Well it looks like I'll have to take matters into my own hands."

"Go gettem, tiger!"

"Pettigrew?"

"Yes, master?"

"You're gay." He hung up the phone and turned back to watch the game, which had finished. 'Damn that idiotic man to hell! Now what shall I do?' He was brought out of his thoughts by a loud crash upstairs. 'Oh, shit!' Voldemort ran up the stairs and pulled open the door to Harry's room to find…

Chapter 3, done! Ha, sorry to leave it there, but my brain has kinda shut down, plus I thought it made a good cliffy! If you review, I will post the next chapter as soon as I can, and hopefully make it a little longer.


	4. Adventures in Babysitting, Part 2

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Disclaimer - I don't own any of the characters, I tried, failed and am now in another country with a different identity.

NOTE – I'm sorry about the delay, I've been revising for my AS exams, but I have the week off. So I'm taking this time to do chapter 4, as a way of apologising.

On with the story then.

Last time – He was brought out of his thoughts by a loud crash upstairs. 'Oh shit' Voldemort ran up the stairs and pulled open the door to Harry's room to find…

Chapter 4 – Adventures in Babysitting – Part 2

When Voldemort went into the room, he knew something was wrong. It may have had something to do with the fact that Harry was no longer in his crib, but Voldemort wasn't too sure.

He looked around the small room unaware of the presence behind him, but he did notice that the room was tidy. 'So the kid must have fallen out of bed. Of course he did, you idiot, you are so good at stating the obvious.' He walked further in, and upon realising that Harry was no where to be seen, he started to panic.

'Oh damn! I've lost the baby! Come on think, he couldn't have got that far, he's just a baby. If you were a baby, where would you go?' Voldemort thought for a while 'Not the porno shop, that's for sure… but then again… nah, probably not, after all, you are the only person I know who has been there as a child.' Once again he was brought out of his thoughts when a noise out of the open window startled him.

'Crap the kid's climbed out of the window!' Without giving it a second thought he did a run and jump out of the window, landing on the groundwith a crash. 'Ow, I'm getting too old for this.'

Back in the room baby Harry looked at the strange man that jumped out his window. 'So that was the idiot who wants to become Minister? God he didn't even have common sense to look behind him!' Harry heard screams, so he crawled over to the window and looked down at Voldemort.

Voldemort quickly jumped up and looked around the ground for any signs of the baby. 'Damn! It looks like I overreacted again! The only thing that's out here is a bloody cat, oh how I HATE them!' Out of frustration, Voldemort kicked the passing cat, and was then tackled to the ground by the very pissed off animal.

"AAAAAAGGGGHHH! GET OFF ME YOU DAMN FURBALL! NOT THE FACE, NOT MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!"

He finally got the possessed cat off him, and looked up to the window at the sound of laughter. There, looking down at him, was an amusedHarry. 'I don't believe it! The kid was there the WHOLE time! Wait, how the hell do I get back into the house? Damn! I really should think about these things. I know! I'll pick the lock!'

Voldemort ran to the front door, totally oblivious to the ladders that hefell over. He stood up, and placed them back where they were - amazingly under the open window. He turned the corner to find a cloaked figure trying to pick the lock on the front door.

"Excuse me, what are you doing?"

The figure stopped what he was doing, and looked up. "Me, oh nothing, I'm just er… checking the doors."

"Really?"

"Yes, the streets aren't so safe anymore."

"Ok, then, carry on. You know you look really familiar, do I know you?"

"Probably not, but know this, I am not your enemy."

"I never said you were."

"I am not an evil person."

"I never said you were."

"I'm not here to break into this house, kill everyone in it, and frame you in order to make you look bad to ensure that Fudge becomes Minister."

"…. Oook, what's your name again?"

"I'm an Auror, one of the best intelligence forces there are." The man replied.

Voldemort took out his wand and killed the man. He then took the time to make fun of him.

"HA! What an idiot! "one of the best intelligence forces there are, I think not!" Voldemort then opened the door that the auror was trying to open. He rolled his eyes and said, "Some intelligent force you are, you couldn't even gather the intelligence that this door was already open, you retard."

He walked back into the house, closed the door behind him and went to find Harry. 'Hopefully he's back in his bed, asleep!'

Oh, how wrong he was…

Well, another chapter, hope you liked it, I'm not sure how long I will be with the next chapter, but I hope to do another soon. Now, I've done my part – all I ask is that you leave a nice review – please, the little purple button is calling to you… don't ignore it, tis not nice.


	5. Super baby?

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Disclaimer - I don't own anything, you all should know by now – don't try to take what doesn't belong to you.

Another update! Aren't you proud? Well, I'm trying to make the chapters longer, but it's kind of hard, but like I said, I'll try, just for you great reviewers.

By the way, El Corazon Sangriento, I don't think it's a bad thing to become fond of Voldemort, he is, after all, just misunderstood. Well… in this story he is anyway!

Chapter 5 – Super baby?

After looking around the now quiet house, Voldemort hoped that Harry had fallen asleep. Silently, as to not wake him if he was asleep, he crept up the stairs. He was almost to the top when…

The phone rang. 'DAMN!' Voldemort turned back around to go back downstairs, when he slipped on a toy – presumably Harry's, and fell down the stairs with a girlish scream.

Meanwhile…

At a small restaurant, just half an hour away from the Potter's house, sat Lily and James. They had been there for an hour, still waiting to be served.

"James, I'm going to phone home."

"Phone home? I thought only E.T could phone home."

"James, you are such an idiot, why the hell did I marry you?"

"Because of my boyish good charms?"

"Whatever, I just want to find out how Harry is."

James looked up at this, with a hint of jealousy in his eyes.

"Who, dear?"

Lily groaned and banged her head on the table. She then looked up at James and said through gritted teeth.

"Harry, James, is our son."

"…" James stared at her with a blank look.

Lily sighed. "You know, the kid?"

"Oh yeah! Well go on then, but don't be long, I don't want to look like a looser sitting here on my own."

"Fine." Lily stood up and went to the nearest pay phone, rang the house, and waited for Voldemort to answer.

Back at the house…

Voldemort had managed to drag himself over to the phone. His thoughts were bitter: 'Stupid house, stupid toys, STUPID EVERYTHING!' But as he picked up the phone…

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

…his voice was also the same.

"Er, it'd Lily, I'm just checking up, did I catch you at a bad time?"

Voldemort rolled his eyes, and replied sarcastically, "Oh, of course you didn't, I was just relaxing. Well, Harry's asleep, and I've had no trouble from him at all, so don't you worry, I have everything under control."

The sarcasm, though, went unnoticed by Lily. "Oh really? That's great! I was so worried, but now I feel so much better, thank you! I'll be able to enjoy my night out now, bye!"

"No, wait!" But it was too late, Lily had already hung up. 'OH! Curse me, and my sarcastic nature! Now I'm stuck here until they come home, and where the hell is that baby?'

Voldemort stood up, and crept back up the stairs, avoiding objects that would cause him to fall over again. He made it to Harry's room, and looked in.

There was a figure in the crib, which looked like Harry, though he wasn't sure. He walked over to the crib, and peered inside. 'Ok, either this baby is an expert at holding its breath, or he's dead… oh shit!' He shook Harry slightly, and he rolled over to face Voldemort. 'Oh, good, it's just a doll… wait, where's Harry?'

As Voldemort went to leave the room in search of Harry, he stopped as he heard noises coming from the roof. 'OH, COME ON! He's a baby for crying out loud!' He ran over to the open window and stuck his head out. Sure enough, there was Harry looking down at him, once again.

'How do I get up there? How did he get up the.. ooh look, a ladder!' Voldemort climbed out the window, and onto the ladder. When he got onto the roof, he finally saw him. He walked over to him slowly, trying not to startle him.

"Er, come on Harry, come to uncle Voldie, and I'll let you have all the sweets you want!"

Harry just looked at him and laughed. 'What an idiot! Sweets? Yeah, right, I don't even have teeth yet.'

Voldemort was closer now, and he was able to pick him up. "Good, now lets get you back to bed, where you will stay for the rest of the night."

As soon as Voldemort put Harry back in his crib, he quickly closed the window and locked it. He then walked out the room, and since there was no lock on the door, he propped a chair up against the handle.

He put his ear on the door and was satisfied when he heard light snores coming from the other side. 'Finally now I can relax.' But Voldemort was feeling slightly curious, and decided to snoop around. He went into James and Lily's room, and looked through their things.

He found some disturbing things in there. The most disturbing being the photographs he found of James dressed up in Lily's clothes. That was just plain creepy, so he decided the best thing to do was to watch T.V and touch NOTHING.

He looked at the clock and saw that it was nearly 11. When the hell these people were coming home he didn't know, but he hoped it was soon, he didn't know how much more he could take. 'Well at least the kid is in his room, and there is no way he's getting out.'

He had started to feel tired and he decided to have a well-deserved sleep. Well, he had only been out for 10 minutes when he was awake and staring into a pair of green eyes…

Well, I hope that's a little longer, I would have written more, but I thought it would be better to leave it there, for now anyway. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far, and if you have any suggestions on how to make it better, then let me know, in a review, hint, hint :p Well, till next time, and don't worry, Harry is going to torture Voldie some more!


	6. The young alcohilic

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Disclaimer – I don't own anything, and even if I did, you cannot prove a thing.

Well my exams finished yesterday, and I'm feeling generous… so I'm going to write another chapter.

Thanks to all my reviewers – you are what keeps me going! By the way, can ANYONE tell me what a Mary – Sue is, I've seen them written in summaries and I don't know what the hell they are.

Chapter 6 – The young alcoholic

Voldemort has always been a patient man, but this was thrown out the window when he woke to find someone staring right back at him.

"AAAAGGGHH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU LITTLE FREAK!"

He tried to sit up but he couldn't move. He realised why when he looked down. Somehow, while he had been sleeping, Harry had taken the time to tie him up. 'Well, I do believe this is a first! Er… if you don't count the time you got drunk and woke up at that play school. Freaky little kids.' Voldemort shuddered at the memory. He looked at Harry, who was looking at him with an evil glint in his eyes.

Voldemort laughed uneasily, and looked at Harry. "Um, hey there sport… how'd you get out of your room?"

Harry looked at him, and pulled out his 'toy' axe, which was actually real. If Voldemort was a weak man, he would have cried, but being the tough person he is, he held up his apperance andtried a different tactic, though, hedid have a hint of fear showing in his eyes.

"Listen, Harry, how about you untie me, and when you do, I'll do anything you want! Please, just put the axe down, and no one will get hurt!"

Harry cocked his head to one side and kept staring at Voldemort. 'What a wimp! I can't believe Dad got him to mind me! Why didn't they just ask Sirius? Oh, yeah, he was locked up in Azkaban for possession of drugs… I'll kill my Dad for supplying him! I wonder where he keeps it any way.' Harry jumped off the couch and went in search of James' secret stash.

Voldemort was panicking now. 'What do I do, what do I do? I know! Use your wand! Voldemort,you are a genius!' He felt around his robes and managed to pull it out of his pocket, and with a flick of his wand he was free.

'I am going to kill that kid, who does he think he is, tying me up like that?' Voldemort, once again, went in search of Harry.

Harry, having no luck in finding any of his dad's drugs - he could find the Chamber of Secrets in a huge old castle, but couldn't find a secret stash in a small house? Hedecided to annoy Voldemort some more. He didn't have to look for long though, because Voldemort had stormed right past him, and barged up the stairs. 'I've said it once, I'll say it again, what an idiot!'

Voldemort was halfway up the stairs, forgetting the cluster of toys on them, when he slipped and fell. He landed in front of Harry, who suddenly looked evil again. Voldemort looked at him, and noticed him standing next to a table, with apicture of Lily and James on their wedding day on it.

"Harry, get away from there, NOW!" But he didn't listen, and instead he decided to test Voldemort's reflexes. So, being thecuriousbaby he is, he pushed the photo off the table.

Voldemort, dived across the room, and caught the falling photo. He had just put it back on the table, when he heard a laugh behind him. He spun round, in time to see Harry push an expensive looking vase off its stand. 'Oh, crap!' Again, Voldemort dived, and caught the falling object. 'This kid is soo dead!"

He stood up to find Harry looking at him. 'Right, grab him, tie him up and make sure he doesn't escape from his room.' He went to grab Harry, who suddenly started to cry. 'Oh, God!'

Voldemort wasn't good with dealing with crying kids – lets face it, he isn't good with them at all. "Hey, stop crying, come on! What's wrong?"

Harry looked at him and replied, "Hungry," and resumed his crying. Voldemort sighed, and remembered what Lily told him, 'There's some bottles in the fridge if he gets hungry.' Right, feed him, that shouldn't be too hard. He walked into the kitchen, with a crying Harry. He sat him down in his high chair, and looked in the fridge.

'Right, which one was it again? Damn! Why does it have to be so hard?' He closed his eyes andchose a random bottle, opened it, and gave it to Harry who drank it. But, after a few minutes, Harry spat the contents out, whichhit Voldemort in the face, and continued to cry.

"For crying out loud! What is it now?" He picked up the bottle and looked at it. 'Oh, no.' The bottle wasn't the right one after all. He had accidentally chosen a bottle of Bud. He looked over to Harry, who had stopped crying, but was now swaying slightly in his seat, and giggling slightly.

'Oh, shit, Lily and James – well, mainly Lily – will kill me… I've got their baby pissed!'

Well, I'll have to leave it there, my muse seems to have run away, and I know that this wasn't my best chapter and that is isn't very long, but I tried. You know what to do… Review, please.


	7. The cat strikes back

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Disclaimer - I still own nothing… at all… not even the computer… which I stole off a gypsy selling lavender.

Note: Once again, I'm sorry for not updating sooner. It took a while to bribe my muse to come back. But now it is, so I can finally update!

Reviewers: YAY!

On with the story.

Chapter 7 – The cat strikes back

Well, now Voldemort was in full-blown panic mode. Lily and James would probably be back soon. What the hell would they think when they came home to find their child drunk? 'How am I going to get out of this? The phrase "I didn't do it" won't work this time! You are well and truly screwed, my friend.'

He was brought out of his thoughts when the phone rang. Not noticing Harry climbing unsteadily out of his high chair, walked out of the room, and answered the phone.

"What!"

"Erm, Voldemort? It's Lily."

'Oh, crap!' Voldemort fought to keep the panic out of his voice. "Um, hi, is something wrong?"

"No, everything's fine, I'm just letting you know that we should be home in about an hour. Is everything ok with Harry?"

As Voldemort went to reply, he heard James' voice on the other end of the phone.

"Ha! I knew it, you're seeing someone else, aren't you? I trusted you, and all this time you were seeing this Harry bloke!"

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! James, he's our son!"

The line was quiet for a while, and Voldemort was about to speak, when James suddenly cried – "Oh, Yeah! God I completely forgot, I'm sorry Lily."

"You will be, you Twit, just go sit back down! I'm sorry Voldemort, how's Harry?" Lily sounded like she was going to snap at any moment.

Voldemort turned to look at Harry just in time to see the infant walk into a door, and fall on the floor, seemingly unconscious.

"Well he's er… dead to the world! Really, he is asleep at the moment."

"Oh, that's good, I hope he hasn't been too much trouble."

"Oh, no trouble at all, infact,I wish I had five just like him!" Voldemort rolled his eyes at this. 'Yeah, right.'

"Well, like I said, we'll be back soon, bye."

Voldemort hung up, and banged his head on the wall. 'How am I going to sober up the kid? If I give him food, it might make him sick… maybe I should just put him back to bed and pray that they don't notice that he stinks of bud. Unless I convince them it's new cologne, from my mother, well that shouldn't be too hard, they already hang on my every word.'

Voldemort walked back into the kitchen, where he last saw the unconscious baby, to find Harry was awake again, and now in the process of climbing out of the cat flap. However, he noticed that he wasn't moving. Cautiously, he walked over to the door, and pulled Harry out of the cat flap. 'Well, he's breathing, so he must be asleep – finally! Wait, I didn't know they had a cat.'

He looked around, still holding a sleeping Harry, when he saw the very same cat that attacked him walk through the cat flap. 'NO FRICKING WAY!' Carefully he put Harry in his high chair, while the cat watched his every move.

Voldemort turned to face the cat, and without warning the cat sprung at him, knocking him to the ground, clawing at his face.

"OH GOD, PLEASE, NOT THE FACE!"

The cat stopped clawing his face, but started attacking his groin.

"AAAAHHHHH, THE FACE, THE FACE!"

The cat then moved back to his face, and Voldemort let out a sigh of relief. In the distance, Voldemort could hear the sound of clapping. He looked up to see Harry once again awake, and taking pleasure out of seeing him in pain.

Voldemort took out his wand, stunned the cat and stood up. Harry had a look of horror on his face, at the sight of his pet. Thinking it was dead, he burst out crying.

Voldemort panicked. "No, it's ok, see? It's alive, look!"

He picked the cat up, moved it around, and made cat-like noisestrying to make it look alive. Buthe didn'twant to reverse the spell yet, as he wanted to avoid another fight. Harry though, wasn't buying it, and kept crying.

So Voldemort sighed, and put the cat by the door, and reversed the spell, and the cat became mobile again. Harry stopped crying at once, and smiled at the alive cat. The cat, however, took one look at Voldemort and sprinted out the cat flap so fast, that it left a trail of smoke behind it.

Well, all Voldemort had to do now was to get Harry to sleep. But he noticed that Harry was holding his head.

"Hung over?"

Harry looked at him as if to say what do you think?

"Well that's what you get for drinking."

Harry just glared at him.'It wasn't my fault that _somebody_ gave me the wrong thing to drink, I mean, honestly, how thick can you get?'

"Well, let's see if your parents have any hangover potions."

Luckily, there was one in the medicine cabinet, so he gave it to Harry, who drank the lot.

"Better?"

Harry nodded, thankful that his headache had gone.

"Well, since I helped you with your head, now I would appreciate it if you went to bed, and stayed there."

'Well, I've had my fun, and I am tired, so whatever.' He let Voldemort carry him upstairs and left him in his room.

Voldemort tidied up the mess in the house, and sat back on the couch when he had finished. He went through the events of the night and sighed. 'The things I do for votes!' He looked at the clock, it was late. He sat back and waited for James and Lily to return.

Another chapter done! I actually enjoyed writing this one. There is only going to be one or two more chapters, and I'll try to update sooner. Just to let you know, reviews really make me happy, so please, leave one, even if you just feel sorry for me, I'd still appreciate it!


	8. The Last Straw

****

Disclaimer – I own nothing, and no money is being made from this.

Well, this is the last chapter. I really struggled with this one, but I think it works.

Chapter 8 – The last straw

Voldemort was woken up by a poking feeling in his arm. 'I don't remember falling asleep. I must have been more tired than I thought. Well babysitting that brat, who could blame you? Speaking of which, I hope to God that isn't who I think it is.'

He slowly opened his eyes, and soon found himself looking into a familiar pair of green eyes. Not expecting to actually come face to face with someone, he jumped and let out a small shriek. He was startled, but relieved even more when that person spoke.

"Oh, good, you're awake! James, he is alive after all!"

James' face appeared in the doorway. "That's a relief, I thought something bad had happened! Especially since you kept on screaming like that!"

Voldemort narrowed his eyes at James, "I was not screaming!"

"Yes you were, you were like, 'Harry, stop that! Put that down Harry, Harry get off the roof!' it was quite scary. Whoever this Harry guy is, he must have caused you some serious stress!"

Voldemort looked at Lily, expecting her to scream and shout at James for his incompetence. Instead she had tensed up, and had developed a twitch in her right eye. 'Oh, crap I need to get out of here!'

Voldemort stood from the couch, and backed away from the deranged looking woman.

"Well, um, look at the time! I should probably be going, I have a lot of things to do if I want to become minister you know!"

James, not noticing the murderous looks being shot at him by his wife, turned to Voldemort. "Ok, it was really nice to finally meet you! And thanks for everything you've done for us. Whatever that was."

Lily stood up, walked out the room and went upstairs. James turned to Voldemort and gave him a puzzled expression, Voldemort just shrugged. 'Oh my god, she's gone mad, she's going to kill him! I MUST get out of here NOW!' Voldemort turned to leave the house, when Lily came back down the stairs, and into the living room, blocking his escape. 'Great! Well if the worst comes to the worst, I can jump out of the window! I've done it once, and I can do it again!'

"Lily, where did you get to? What have you got there?"

Lily smiled, the twitch still present in her eye. "James, this is Harry, he looks just like you, doesn't he?"

James looked at the sleeping child in Lily's arms. "Bloody hell! He does, doesn't he? Where'd you find him?"

"James, the reason he looks like you is because, he's your son!"

"I have a son? Why didn't you tell me? Have you kept him in his room all this time? What kind of mother are you!" James couldn't believe this, his wife has been neglecting his son, a son he didn't even know about!

Lily put Harry down on the couch, and walked towards James, Voldemort completely forgotten. She stopped right infront of him, and said, "No, I haven't been keeping him in his room, I've been telling you, time and time again that you have a son. But you, the idiot that you are, forgets he even exists all the bloody time! What kind of mother am I? The question is, what kind of father are you?"

James was shocked, Lily never talked to him like this! Well, if you don't include years 1 through 6, when he was still trying to get her to go out with him. He couldn't answer her, but just stared at her with a hurt look on his face.

Lily didn't care, she was past caring, she was fuming. "What the hell is wrong with you James? Why can't you remember Harry?"

"Who?"

That did it for Lily. She let out a frustrated scream and snapped completely. Without a second thought, she took out her wand and killed James.

Voldemort, who was still forgotten, had watched everything in amazement. That man was well and truly stupid. 'Wait a minute! She's just killed your biggest fan! Well now you can kiss your votes goodbye! Its no good asking her to vote – she's completely cracked!'

The phone rang, Lily unable to answer as she was going through a fit of laughter, it was Voldemort who decided to pick it up.

"Hello?"

"Master?"

"Pettigrew? What the hell are you doing? Now is not the best time to be calling."

"But Master!"

"WHAT?"

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this but you lost to Fudge! The voting was over an hour ago! They've just announced the winner now!"

"PETTIGREW YOU IDIOT! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"It's not my fault, I tried to stall the voting as best I could, but no one would believe me that there were a group of break dancing monkeys down the road!"

Voldemort slammed the phone down and turned to Lily. 'It's all her fault, her and that stupid brat of hers!' Voldemort walked up to Lily, who was now crying.

"What am I going to do? I can't raise a child alone! Unless you could help me!"

Lily grabbed Voldemort and shook him. "Yes, of course you can, you like Harry don't you?"

Voldemort tried to pull Lily off him. He tried to think of something to say that would calm her down, but in her current state, there was not alot he could say.

"Erm, of course I like Harry, but I can't!"

"Yes you can, we are getting married!" Lily had a crazed look in her eyes.

'Oh, great! What the hell do I say now?' "Lily, I can't marry you!"

"What? You don't love me? I can't take anymore!" Lily took out her wand and killed herself.

Voldemort wasn't expecting this. 'Well that's your back up plan ruined! You will never be able to negotiate the safety of hostages now! Well at least she's calmer. She's dead, you idiot! Oh... hey, look Harry's awake. I suppose I should kill him, I mean he's got no parents, its probably for the best.'He walked over to the couch, where a now awake Harry was sitting.

"Sorry, kid, it's for the best."

He raised his wand and pointed it at Harry. Harry just sat there and looked at Voldemort, with his big green eyes. Voldemort looked at him, and sighed. 'I can't do it! Just look at him! Of course you can! It's easy! But we bonded! He isn't that bad! Just look at those eyes!'

"Well, fine, I won't kill you, but I'll leave you a little reminder of me." He raised his wand once more and left Harry's trademark scar on his forehead.

Voldemort then left the house, knowing he couldn't really do anymore. 'Well, I suppose there are other ways of taking over this godforsaken world! Time for plan B! Take over illegally with my mob of idiotic followers.' Voldemort walked down the road laughing evilly.

"MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- BANG!

When out of nowhere a car came speeding down the road, hitting Voldemort and knocking him to the ground (well duh!)

The car door opened and out came Voldemort's servant, Pettigrew.

"Oh, no! Master! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to!"

Voldemort looked up at his idiot servant, "Damn you, Pettigrew!" He then slumped into unconsciousness.

Pettigrew panicked when people started coming outside to see what was happening. 'What was that spell again?'

Instead of performing a simple memory charm, Pettigrew cast a powerful spell that blew up all who had dared to go out. 'Oh shit, I'm outta here!' He transformed into a rat, and ran off into the night.

"And tha was the night your parents died Arry."

It was eleven years later, you know, the part where Hagrid tells Harry of his parents death.

"So Voldemort gave me this?" Harry said, pointing to his scar.

"Yeah, tha's no ordinary cut on your forehead, it's summat to remember im by."

"He tried to kill me?"

"Jesus Arry, you're as bad as your father. I've jus told yeh. Of course e tried to kill yeh! But e didn't, 'sides, tha mark aint really a cut, it looks like one, but it's really painted on, for summat called special effects."

Harry just looked at him.

"It is! Look, I could go on fer ages explainin how your life is just make believe an how this is all just a story from someone else's twisted, but brilliant mind, but I won't."

Harry was looking at him with wide eyes. "What do you mean, my life isn't real?"

"Er, nothin, forget I said anythin, lets jus get back to the subject, ok? Right, wher were we? Oh yeah, well for some unknown reason, he couldn't bring imself to kill yeh tha night. Summat stopped im, an the only person who knows the reason is im."

"Where is he know?"

"Some say e was involved in a car accident, an now e's too week to go on, but I dunno, we'll jus have ta wait n see."

Hagrid looked at his watch. "Well, we'll have ta be goin' soon. So, get yer things together, an we'll be off."

And so, Harry, now having the knowledge of how his parents were killed, followed Hagrid to the train station, where he would then be on his way to Hogwarts.

Aww, I'm all sad now! That's the end of my story, and I know this chapter probably wasn't as funny as the others, but I didn't know how to make light of the situation. On the bright side, this chapter was longer! I want to give all my reviewers a BIG THANK YOU! You were all what kept me going! Well,give me your honest opinions in a review and tell me what you think of this last chapter.


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